It's amazing what you can learn in such a small amount of time. It's also amazing the same exact lessons you are taught over and over again, but apparently just never quite learn.
I'm speaking of myself, of course.
I've "followed" God for nearly 10 years now. I know, however, a lot of things I did just for a better appearance to everyone around me. I've always felt surrounded by high expectations, and have always cared rather obsessively about what others think of me. I'm better about it now, as far as not acting to please others (well... definitely not as much anyway.) but I do still care a good deal unfortunately of the opinions of the people around me.
Now, there are a lot of things I said/did/thought that I honestly felt was right and I do believe was sincere in. But as I've heard said, you can be sincere about something, but you can be sincerely wrong. I'm actually pretty ashamed at how I used to be, and it's at a time when everyone around me probably would have said I seemed "closest" to God. I look back, and I see the kind of person that I can't stand now. The kind that is only a benefit (if you can say that much) to her kind, as far as being a "sincere" Christian goes, and repelling everyone else from Christianity altogether. I was that kind of person, the kind that makes other kids not want to come back to church. Beating them down verbally for their mistakes, telling them no excuses, and making them feel like a worthless heathen for missing church.
That's right. This girl contributed to the most loving environment.
However, I've come out of that, but only because this clean, law-abiding church girl had her face rubbed in the dirt a little, and by my own doing. It took so much to see how condescending I had always been, how unloving my attitude was. It was all about abiding by rules. I knew that wasn't the way to salvation, but the way I treated people, one might have assumed that's what I believed.
Let me pause to say, I know Jesus didn't exactly walk around with an "everything goes" Gospel. He had a pretty sharp tongue. I'm not saying I've become that "don't worry, man" Christian hippie. I'm only saying that I believe God is developing in me the right kind of attitude, the right view towards others. It still takes repentance and commitment to follow Christ. And He spoke sharply to hypocrites who claimed to have it right. The kind of people I spoke sharply to were kids who didn't claim to be Christians, but would just show up to church occasionally.
I know I don't have it all right. I'm sure I never will. As long as I am here, I will continue to be refined. But I can't tell you how glad I am to have had my eyes opened. I know I knew Christ during that time of my life, but geez, have I misunderstood a lot. Anyway, just one of many things I've learned in the last few months, I'll write on the next biggest thing I've learned in the next blog.
I'm speaking of myself, of course.
I've "followed" God for nearly 10 years now. I know, however, a lot of things I did just for a better appearance to everyone around me. I've always felt surrounded by high expectations, and have always cared rather obsessively about what others think of me. I'm better about it now, as far as not acting to please others (well... definitely not as much anyway.) but I do still care a good deal unfortunately of the opinions of the people around me.
Now, there are a lot of things I said/did/thought that I honestly felt was right and I do believe was sincere in. But as I've heard said, you can be sincere about something, but you can be sincerely wrong. I'm actually pretty ashamed at how I used to be, and it's at a time when everyone around me probably would have said I seemed "closest" to God. I look back, and I see the kind of person that I can't stand now. The kind that is only a benefit (if you can say that much) to her kind, as far as being a "sincere" Christian goes, and repelling everyone else from Christianity altogether. I was that kind of person, the kind that makes other kids not want to come back to church. Beating them down verbally for their mistakes, telling them no excuses, and making them feel like a worthless heathen for missing church.
That's right. This girl contributed to the most loving environment.
However, I've come out of that, but only because this clean, law-abiding church girl had her face rubbed in the dirt a little, and by my own doing. It took so much to see how condescending I had always been, how unloving my attitude was. It was all about abiding by rules. I knew that wasn't the way to salvation, but the way I treated people, one might have assumed that's what I believed.
Let me pause to say, I know Jesus didn't exactly walk around with an "everything goes" Gospel. He had a pretty sharp tongue. I'm not saying I've become that "don't worry, man" Christian hippie. I'm only saying that I believe God is developing in me the right kind of attitude, the right view towards others. It still takes repentance and commitment to follow Christ. And He spoke sharply to hypocrites who claimed to have it right. The kind of people I spoke sharply to were kids who didn't claim to be Christians, but would just show up to church occasionally.
I know I don't have it all right. I'm sure I never will. As long as I am here, I will continue to be refined. But I can't tell you how glad I am to have had my eyes opened. I know I knew Christ during that time of my life, but geez, have I misunderstood a lot. Anyway, just one of many things I've learned in the last few months, I'll write on the next biggest thing I've learned in the next blog.
I love the honesty. (And you're not a rambler, by the way. I feel a lot like we're having a conversation as I read this.) You feel like one of only a handful who has an embarrassing past--even an embarrassing Christian past, but I believe that any honest Christian could tell you they've been there too. I know I have. But rather than being embarrassed or ashamed of that, continue turning those memories into opportunities for worship. God has brought you--as you said--a long way in a short time, and I know He isn't done with you yet. There's still a ways to go on this journey, and the whole path is paved with His grace. Celebrate your weaknesses, because these are the places where God will do what only He can do. And we will praise Him when He does, knowing it is proof of His love for you.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it incredible how you can screw up more as Christian than before? Thanks for the words. I can say that I don't think I would have learned the things I have any other way (or it would have just taken longer, I realize not everyone has to learn through mistakes).
ReplyDeleteO, and seriously, I don't think you're a heretic. You would have fit in perfectly with the conversations I and a friend of mine from Texas would have. He should be one of my followers (one of four, shouldn't be too hard to find), his name is Jordan.