ballets and slavery.

i went with my mum to a ballet tonight. i've never been to a ballet before... and my father had bought her two tickets for her birthday to see "the hiding place", and so she invited me. now... first of all, i didn't even KNOW it was going to be a ballet. i thought it was just a play. so when mum said in the car on the way there how excited she was to finally be able to see a ballet, i'm thinking... "the hiding place... ballet? really? how are they going to do that???".

but it was beautiful. very beautiful. moved me to tears... but not the actual dancing. because honestly, in the first 20 minutes, i was wondering what the big hoopla was over ballet, except for the fact that they can stand on the tippy toes. that was pretty impressive, i have to admit.

anyway, what moved me to tears, was the story. i already knew the story, because i've read the book AND seen the movie, so i was able to follow the wordless show well enough. every time i read about things like this... the slavery, the oppression, the abuse and awful hatred that makes humanity capable of the cruelest things... i can't help but look at my life, and first ask a question...

...God, why them? why not me? in the sense of... He could have created me to be born in that time. He could have created me to be a part of that race. He could have created me to be one of the orphaned children whose lives consist of walking during the day to a new place to hide when the sun goes down from the LRA. He could have given me parents who desired money or drugs more than me and sold me into sex slavery for a mere months wages.

He didn't, though.

so i have two ways i can look at it. do i look at it like a typical, self-centered american  and say, "geez, that's too bad. hopefully someone's going to take care of that. sure glad it's not me.". or do i look at it the way i feel He wants me to: i'm not in their situation. but He has given me resources to help, to do something about those situations.

i'm not saying i don't ever forget how much i have and get very self-centered. i do. i'm a very selfish person, and i'm working on that. but knowing the things i know... i can't let myself live this life that i've lived so naturally for SO long anymore. i can't see people in that kind of state, and say i don't have enough to do anything about it. i know i can't fix it all, and i don't expect to, but that's no excuse, and shouldn't be ANYBODY'S excuse not to give or help what's going on.

i waste so much time... so much money... on really stupid, and absolutely temporary things. and later, i feel sick. and sometimes, i spend more time ranting than i do actually taking action. i've got a lot of changes to make. i've got a lot of things i need to start being more thankful for.

"By this we know love, that He laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." (1 John 3:16-18 ESV)

"heal my heart and make it clean,
open up my eyes to the things unseen.
show me how to love like You have loved me.
break my heart for what breaks Yours,
EVERYTHING i am for Your kingdom's cause,
as i walk from earth into eternity..."



today... was really, really, really long. and everyone today drank rude juice apparently. americans are so hard to please. it was one of those days where i can honestly say i understand why people who don't know Jesus go home and drink til they pass out. was that too honest?

i guess it's a good thing not too many people read this blog.

no worries. i don't plan on getting drunk. i just let stress get to me today. i should work on that a little more...

anyway, hubby helped make it better. :) we went to walmart right after work (he worked 10-9, i worked 11-9), and spent $20 on a rotisserie chicken, small oreo cake, french bread, cream cheese, and sparkling grape juice. we came home and watched "james and the giant peach" (which he has never had the pleasure of seeing. has always been one of my favorites. tim burton... is amazing) on netflix and ate everything with our fingers on the couch. probably one of the best dates ever...

i love stretchy pants.

sooo, i mean to update this a long time ago, but... we do have our christmas tree up. yesss. it's actually been up for a few weeks now. wrapped presents are already underneath it. it is decorated. we turn the lights on every night. and i've heard several outraged comments about it. one girl at work said she was going to kill me. that was weird... something to do with the stress of bringing the holidays on too soon. well ya shouldn't have worked in retail...

o! one more thing... i HIGHLY recommend "inception". GREAT movie. johnny, daniel, matt, his mom and me went and saw it outside at le tourneau (where johnny goes to school) last night. it was so much fun. we were all sitting on a blanket, and it was freezing, but i think everyone enjoyed it. it's been a long time since i've seen an "adult" movie and honestly want to own it. johnny and i go and see kids movies mostly, because they at have they least amount of crap, because even kids movies today still have their share. we figured though, if le tourneau was showing it on campus, couldn't be too bad... but yea, it was really really good. watch it.

 p.s.    jordan? last night on the super bargain book shelves were TWO (one for me, one for you) social justice handbooks. i was going to grab them and buy them today (25% of bargain book sale) and matt made me feel guilty about it. jerk. so i put them back, went looking for them today when i got to work, and they were GONE. so i blame a portion of the lack of justice on matt, because we never got our hands on those books that might have assisted us in our efforts. that's all.


and it has indeed, been a happy anniversary.

it. has. been. a. wooooooooonderful day. i surprised johnny with a picnic and quite possibly the best chocolate cake i've ever had, aaaaand a fossil watch, which he loved. want to know what he got me?

A GUITAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!! o yes. and i love her.

two years ago today at ten in the morning, i awoke and felt very... calm. surprisingly. i mean, brides on their wedding day are supposed to be freaking out, right? and getting up at 5am and aggravating everyone to no end with limitless details?

well johnny and i didn't really have a stressful wedding day like that. i suppose because we didn't have as much detail as other weddings. our wedding day was really laid back, actually. i slept in, as stated above, came downstairs and ate podnuh's (great sausage...) with ryan, milah, and my parents. then i went back to bed, slept a little more, then got up to shower and get ready for the wonderful event! it was seriously easy. i had the most amazing and loving people around me helping me, and just being there.

everything went beautifully, despite the fact that we didn't have a rehearsal. but it was kind of nice like that... everything was absolutely and completely fresh. mind you, there really wasn't that much to rehearse, because we had it very short. so we just went with it. there were a few small details we didn't really think about until we were in the moment. like, not knowing what to do with my bouquet once we joined hands. and where to put his ring since i didn't have someone next to me holding it (we decided last minute for me to hold it on my thumb). we had no idea what danny (the close friend that married us) would say, but it was great. the only thing that didn't go too great was getting to our house that night and coming to find that we didn't have our house keys. sooo... we waiting in the parking lot of wendy's for my brother to bring us the keys. i'll never forget the look on his face.

so what has changed these two years? i've realized only more how blessed i am to be his. we have both unearthed the stupid myths and suspicions both guys and girls have about eachother. more importantly we've grown in our love for eachother, and have come to realize what love really means...

we also still lose our keys at least once a week. i guess it keeps things interesting. ;)


i scream.

so. icecream. i LOVE icecream. and my favorite icecream is bluebell's birthday cake. it seriously, and i mean SERIOUSLY, cannot be beaten. other icecream makers have tried in vain to make a birthday cake icecream as well. none of them compare. and bluebell's birthday cake is hard to find. i think it must be seasonal? anyway, i got quite emotional in walmart a couple weeks ago when i finally found 3 half-gallons of it on the shelf. so after embarrassing myself (and my husband) in all of my excitement, i grabbed 2 of those cartons and went home very happy.

anyway, i didn't actually intend on going on about birthday cake (but at least you know now just how good it is). i actually intended on commenting about a NEW flavor of theirs called butter crunch. now, i'm the type of person that isn't the best about trying something new. if i already have my favorite, and that favorite is available, why risk trying something new and finding it to be so much more unsatisfying than what you already know would have been perfectly good? BUT... i stepped out of box, and tried the butter crunch. if you like butterfingers, then you will love butter crunch icecream. i'm not sure it's better than birthday cake, but i think i could actually rate it above cookies and cream.

who has the free time to read this nonsense, anyway?

by the way, call me crazy... but i plan on putting up my christmas tree within the next couple of weeks. i'm already listening to christmas music. i've already bought some christmas presents and made my christmas card list. i've always loved christmas... but if it weren't for retail, i don't think i'd get as excited about it so early in the year. but having to see it all the time puts me in the mood for it. and there's nothing wrong with being prepared right? really prepared...

ok, so on a serious note... i've noticed myself in a much better mood the last couple of days. i honestly haven't felt this good in quite some time. and i didn't really notice that i must have been feeling so bad. anyhoo... i think i'm on my way to a bit of recovery for my insecurities. i think that's what all of this is about, anyway. i mean, i still see all the reasons for my insecurities, but i guess i'm trying to look at it in a "it'll get better" sort of way. i can improve. i don't have to sit here and hate myself every day, because that really doesn't help anyhow. soo... we'll see what happens. i'll try to stay in the same mood.


still learning...

finally. FINALLY. i have a blog...

i've missed xanga. i was faithful blogger with xanga. a little less faithful with myspace. not faithful at all with facebook. facebook has really just become (for most people, i think) a way to get into everyone's business but not have to interact. isn't that sad? anyway...

i've been learning lately how much harder it is to learn now, being older, than it was as a child. it was so much easier to believe in things. i feel like i've become so cynical lately. and so very apathetic. not like i chose to not care about things, a lot of things have just slipped through the cracks... really important things.

i want those things to be important again. i want to be in awe the way i once was. i want to have the same motivation. the same drive and passion. i've been blaming it on the fact that it has taken us so long to settle where we're at... we're now in our own adorable apartment which i love, johnny's in school and i'm so proud, i'm a (a, not THE) manager/keyholder at mardel, but as far as church, well... we've been visiting churches (really, only 2) for the year that we've been living here in longview, and we've yet to join anywhere. therefore, we haven't been too terribly involved...

i guess it's difficult because i had grown up in the same place all my life. i'd only made one move in my entire life, and that wasn't a change of residence, just church homes, and that was traumatic enough for me. i was still really young then though, and it was easier for me to adjust.

i'm so thankful i have johnny... he helps keep me together. he's honestly the most understanding person i know. God definitely paired us perfectly. when i've been so unsure about so much in myself, he's never hesitated to smile at me with assurance.

anyway, for anyone who may end up reading this blog, i apologize. hopefully, entries won't always be this depressing. take me as a plant that's been trimmed near the root, and i'm just learning to grow again, how to take certain familiar steps all over.