taught, but not learned.

And so the other thing I've learned -excuse me, been taught over and over again, is that you can't anticipate what God's doing. Some have said they can. That's great for you. I can't.

See, I'm a person very into details. I'm sure I could be an excellent conspiracy theorist if I wanted to. I make things out of nothing all the time. Like every other girl in my teenage years, I added up every single possible thing a guy might do or say around me, concluding whether or not he liked me. This was a very emotional time for me, because as you can imagine, as I watched him very closely and became finally convinced that he was really into me, I'd see him share his fries with my best friend. That's when I went home and had a meltdown about how I should have seen that he was in love with my friend instead. Sigh. Believe it or not, this is the ridiculousness that goes on in the head of a teenage girl. There it is.

I have this tendency to think about a given situation, look at the timing, look at the people involved, think about the past, and basically everything else I can to see that this, whatever it is, is meant to be. It is... the very will of God, and all the details I have put together leave no room for doubt. A line from a movie (that I don't necessarily recommend) really got me recently as I'm sure it didn't necessarily get to anyone else. It's the story of a girl whose fiancee dies, and she ends up finding all these crazy things out about him. Like, for instance, he has a son she never knew about (what?). The mother of the fiancee (a rich snob refusing to have anything tarnish her reputation) refuses to believe that her son could have had a son that no one knew about. The girl goes on to tell her fiancee's mother that she has seen him, and it looks exactly like him. The mother turns and replies, "I'm sure you could set ten toddlers in front of me, and I could find ways that they all looked exactly like him." It hit me. I do that. What I end up finding many times, weeks to months later is that what I thought to be a sign... oh, it wasn't.

Let me interject here also, that I am an obsessive list maker. I have to have a plan. That only adds.

I was telling a friend of mine (I'll give you a hint, he's one of the four followers I have) a few weeks ago everything that has happened since we moved to Missouri. I told him how we were certain we were supposed to be here, and that absolutely nothing has gone according to plan. In fact, not only did it not go to plan, but that we had been tossed into all sorts of hurricanes. He told me something that I had never thought of before, and I can't remember how I responded, but it has really changed my way of thinking about the last 3-4 years of my life. He told me basically that sometimes the paths we take, we are meant to take, but that God uses them as vehicles to something else. It kind of blew my mind wide open. It's one of those things you nod at and agree, but really the more I thought about it, I felt a little more free.

So call it what you will. Either we've made tons of mistakes and God still is patient and loving enough to take us where we're supposed to be (having learned much), or we are absolutely supposed to have gone everywhere we have because even though it didn't work out the way we thought it would, it was just a "vehicle" to where we were supposed to really go, and we wouldn't have really gotten there any other way. Either way, both ways reinforce the same things. God is a wonderful, loving, all-knowing God.

fatty cakes.

Before I post the promised blog spoken of in my last blog, I thought I'd post some nonsense.

Right now, Johnny is back in Texas starting work while I continue to live and work in Missouri. It's a beautiful area, really... and the weather is wonderful. But I am sort of finding myself bored to death. I could be doing things to keep myself busy, like folding those clothes in the dryer right now, but... eh. I'm the only one waiting on them, and I don't need them.

I could be reading all the books on my shelf that I've been waiting to read with the free time that I've never had until recently.

I could be working out, but I really do prefer walking/running outside, and I refuse to go by myself. I grew up in the country, and am convinced you city folk are just waiting for helpless and uncoordinated females like myself to be alone so you can, I don't know honestly. Shove me and take my water bottle? Dirty, mad thieves. I've just now gotten over being paranoid of being alone in the apartment, not sure I ever will feel okay walking around by myself on city sidewalks.

I don't really like working out in gyms, because it's weird when someone else comes in. I mean, if we're all being honest, I think we'll admit that if you've ever been in a gym and there's that one person who doesn't really know what they're doing (not to say that I know what I'm doing, but I think I know what it shouldn't look like) and you just. can't. help. but. watch... I know, it's awful. That's really shallow of me. But if it makes you feel better, I'm that person in the gym as well, and I always get the feeling someone is laughing inwardly at me and my... unique way of lifting weights and running? Anyway, I wasn't blessed with an incredibly fast metabolism like many of the surrounding envied females, so I have to eat right and work out to stay as close as I can to the category of "fit". But, with all the spoken of problems above, I told Johnny that I must be destined to just be a chubby bunny. I am eating pretty okay though. And I do have some 3 pound weights that I work with in the privacy of my own apartment, and feel comfortable to be as goofy as I like.

I guess I've been successful in the last 2 days of one thing (besides work, but that wasn't exactly a problem before), and that's blogging. I've wanted to keep a consistent blog, but have never found the time. Now I have it. Plenty of it.

It's so funny how for literally years I've craved a little bit more time to myself, and now that I have it, I feel quite unmotivated. Buh... o, to be one of those graceful, accomplished young ladies that has it all together.

So. Plans for my Friday night. Let's bring in the weekend with a movie from Block Buster? Yes. Icecream? Maybe. Geez, I wish I could afford Chinese take-out. I'm not even aware of a good Chinese food joint around here. Come to think of it, I haven't had Chinese food in months, and I'm crazy about Chinese food... crab rangoon, noodles, mongolian beef and rice... sweet mercy. Where can I find some super cheap, super good Chinese food here like that of Magic China in Longview, TX? And tomorrow, being my day off... I'll sleep in, I'll go get the bridemaid dress I need for a December wedding at David's Bridal, I'll pick up some well priced Christmas presents at the book sale tomorrow at work, and then I'll think about cooking a delicious dinner, but will end up resorting to leftover chicken salad like I will today.

Speaking of which...

learning to love. correctly.

It's amazing what you can learn in such a small amount of time. It's also amazing the same exact lessons you are taught over and over again, but apparently just never quite learn.

I'm speaking of myself, of course.

I've "followed" God for nearly 10 years now. I know, however, a lot of things I did just for a better appearance to everyone around me. I've always felt surrounded by high expectations, and have always cared rather obsessively about what others think of me. I'm better about it now, as far as not acting to please others (well... definitely not as much anyway.) but I do still care a good deal unfortunately of the opinions of the people around me.

Now, there are a lot of things I said/did/thought that I honestly felt was right and I do believe was sincere in. But as I've heard said, you can be sincere about something, but you can be sincerely wrong. I'm actually pretty ashamed at how I used to be, and it's at a time when everyone around me probably would have said I seemed "closest" to God. I look back, and I see the kind of person that I can't stand now. The kind that is only a benefit (if you can say that much) to her kind, as far as being a "sincere" Christian goes, and repelling everyone else from Christianity altogether. I was that kind of person, the kind that makes other kids not want to come back to church. Beating them down verbally for their mistakes, telling them no excuses, and making them feel like a worthless heathen for missing church.

That's right. This girl contributed to the most loving environment.

However, I've come out of that, but only because this clean, law-abiding church girl had her face rubbed in the dirt a little, and by my own doing. It took so much to see how condescending I had always been, how unloving my attitude was. It was all about abiding by rules. I knew that wasn't the way to salvation, but the way I treated people, one might have assumed that's what I believed.

Let me pause to say, I know Jesus didn't exactly walk around with an "everything goes" Gospel. He had a pretty sharp tongue. I'm not saying I've become that "don't worry, man" Christian hippie. I'm only saying that I believe God is developing in me the right kind of attitude, the right view towards others. It still takes repentance and commitment to follow Christ. And He spoke sharply to hypocrites who claimed to have it right. The kind of people I spoke sharply to were kids who didn't claim to be Christians, but would just show up to church occasionally.

I know I don't have it all right. I'm sure I never will. As long as I am here, I will continue to be refined. But I can't tell you how glad I am to have had my eyes opened. I know I knew Christ during that time of my life, but geez, have I misunderstood a lot. Anyway, just one of many things I've learned in the last few months, I'll write on the next biggest thing I've learned in the next blog.