Settled.

As stated previously, my life is full of transition. Nearly three months ago, I wrote about how important it's been for me to be grounded on nothing by Christ. For me, everything else in this life changes. I don't know what it means to be physically settled, the way most of America seems to understand it, anyway. But because my peace comes from someone infinitely greater than all we can imagine it would take to give us that "settled" feeling, and stands outside of the realm of time, (something I however, admittedly do occasionally fear I'm losing far too quickly) I actually do have the feeling of being settled.

It's odd to even me. Because I once stressed so much over this. It doesn't help when your friends and family, however extended some of them may be, give you grief over not having done life the way they believe you should have. And even now, in our lives together (I and my hubby) I know we're not settled. Not by American standards anyway... But I'm so happy. I mean, I'm really happy. I have a God that does not fail me, a husband that loves me unconditionally, a dog who, despite all her stubbornness is still my precious little darling, an adorable apartment we've recently moved into and affectionately dubbed our "hobbit hole", and a job that (I've never been able to say this) I love. 

Did you catch my bit of news thrown in there?

Our life has taken on a handful of new transitions. One of which I hope and pray never changes. The other two are recognized as temporary, and we're just fine with that. That first one though...

There were sketchy things happening at my husband's job, not to mention the high levels of stress and crazy long hours that left us both feeling that it was time for a change. It did take me a bit longer to agree, only because I was afraid whatever change ensued would mean my going back to work. Now please don't think that I find myself above work, I don't. But finding a job. That's the task that feels so entirely daunting. Well with all my husband's experience and good reputation, he found one fast. It was now down to me to find something... I went to several places to hand in my resume, but I wasn't really in love with any of them. But there is a place here in town that is in the business of vintage sales and rentals. I'd been in before, and the owners were always so very friendly, and I had hard time keeping myself from drooling over all of their products. It's family owned, and so I didn't have high hopes in getting on with them, but I thought in their line of business, they'd surely know of other companies doing similar things who might need some help. I walked in, and long story short, they were actually looking for some part time/seasonal help. I talked with them a while, falling even more in love, and left my information. They called a couple of days later, and needless to say... I got on!!

I have never loved work so much. When I'm not there, I miss being there. The work and the people. I absolutely adore the people I work for and with, and my work is so much fun. I've found my niche. I never want to leave. However, they were fully staffed before I got there and now that the holidays are over, I may be more a sort of on call employee for those occasional weekends when they need extra help again. I'm praying for this business to prosper. Not only for the sake of the dear people running it, but so that I may have work as well! We will see over the next few weeks if I need to find a second job.

As for our apartment... This is our second time living in this exact same, little efficiency. We lived here after we moved back from Missouri for several months, only two years ago. It has every bit of charm and character you'd find in an old Irish pub, except for loud and heavily accented old Irishmen. Our landlords/neighbors are wonderful people who we love very much and are as dear to us as family. It's not much, but it's certainly enough. It's also one of those things I mentioned that we recognize as temporary, but for now I have to say, we really are enjoying it... Much more than I honestly thought we would. It's bursting with love and drinks and good cooking that is shared between roofs right next to each other. It has a home feeling. This is what a community should be like.

I'm not sure what the next move will be. I really don't. We know what our dreams are, just not quite sure how to get there. But I still have peace. I have joy. I didn't know they could come so easily... But it's certainly only by the grace of God that I believe it does.

The Lord is my Rock.

Psalm 18:2

"The Lord is my Rock..."

We walk on an a ground that is constantly shifting, covering a planet that is constantly spinning. Time cannot be stopped, it is always in motion, thus we age. Everything on this earth ages. It is not meant to be preserved, so neither are our bodies.

"The Lord is my Rock..."

I work so hard to still and settle my physical life. As if I'm meant to stay here forever. For the last five years, I've lived more as a vagabond than anyone I've ever personally met, though not without anything I've needed. I've grown so, so weary of it. And every time I see a new transition arising, I cry out and beg God to make it stop, to make it better. Give me a miracle. A better option than having to so difficultly transition. Because I don't want to deal with this situation. Not again. I want to physically rise out of it and into a comfortable, settled life. 

"The Lord is my Rock..."

We're in the middle of one of those transitions again. For about the ninth time. No lie. And some days I'm more confident that it'll all work out, things are going to be even better... And then there are days like today where I come back to the fear that it won't, and I have to call my husband (who is, by the way, the very best companion in any life I could have ever been given, but especially for this life of ours) and ask him for reassurance. Because though everything has indeed every time worked out alright, we've been through some pretty uncomfortable, inescapable situations.

"The Lord is my Rock..."

He assigned me to take his father's bible and my breakfast outside onto the back porch patio where, we have one of the most gorgeous views of our relatives land. We're currently renting a house from them, and their land stretches out behind the house, roamed by horses and chickens. There is a delightful amount of yellow wildflowers and trees, and additionally therefore, a large variety of singing birds. He tells me to read in Psalms for just however long I like. I opened to Psalm 18, where his father has underlined the first two verses. And in the start of the second verse, I can't get past those first words, "The Lord is my Rock..."

When my life is almost completely up in the air, teeming with more uncertainties than anything solid, a rock is what I want. But for my life. My physical, oh so temporary life. I want to make my camp, so to speak, on a rock. I want to stop moving, and just be grounded, so I can have the ability to be happy and peaceful, and enjoy life before it runs out. 

"The Lord is my rock..."

I don't know if you ever played on a merry-go-round as a child. And I don't know that if you did, that you abused it and played the way I and my friends did. There was nothing merry about it. It was basically holding on for dear life. Wrapping your limbs around the bars and having the strongest of the group spin it so fast that you were certain beyond the slightest doubt that you looked identical to the scene towards the end of "Twister" -your body completely airborne and hanging on by your own grip. If you've played this game, and seen this movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about, and I hope the memory of it has humored you as much as it has me this morning. 

All that to say... This is what I've imagined my life looks like. You don't know if you can hold on through the spinning, and if you lose your grip, where you're going to land when you fall off, and you don't know if you're going to come out with an injury or even the ability to walk straight if you can get up. How can you have peace in the midst of spinning like that? How can you be joyful when everything is so chaotic? 

"The Lord is my Rock..."

He stands not only in heaven and outside of this earthly realm, but outside of time. He sits on an immovable throne. He's always been and always will. I think that's why they compared Him to a rock. Rocks don't die.. They kind of just, are. They are solid, and even as the world keeps shifting and aging, they just ARE. 

And I've been begging my immovable, unchanging God to be my Rock by means of pinning me down into a situation I'd prefer. I've asked Him more for fixes to my physical situations (which have never been altogether unlivable, just uncomfortable and unpreferable) than for peace. I've been asking Him to preserve a happy, comfortable physical circumstance, rather than peace for the only thing He made in me that will preserve. My mind... My soul. 

"The Lord is my Rock..."

He is the peace, the calm and confidence for my heart, my mind and soul. Everything will change around me. I'm not saying He doesn't want me to be happy. He loves me, and I know that. He created all of these beautiful and wonderful things that we can enjoy, all gifts from Him. I think those things are reflections of what we'll get to eternally experience after this life. But in a world that rebels against the way we were created to live, which is a life of fellowship with our Creator, things will shift. They'll be hard, really hard sometimes. But I'm en route to a land that never dies. And so for now, on this decaying, ever changing planet, the Lord is my Rock. The only thing my soul can grasp onto with confidence. My mind doesn't have to reflect my situation. It can stand firm, have peace, and reflect more the stability of the God who created it. He can and will be the fortress and refuge for my heart though wars and storms rage against and around it. 

job search.

Well, I'm not the avid blogger I hoped to be with not having to work and all... But I found other things to fill my time with, not to mention that our last move put us in an area inaccessible to wifi. My Aunt and Uncle next door still have dial up. No joke.

Anyways, the latest news for you is that it looks like I'll be looking for a work again. I won't say it's definite, and I'm not sure how soon. But I'm pretty sure. For now I'm leaving off the details because my focus is more... What in the world I'm going to do. 

I'll be honest. Every time it's come to this point in my life (new job/job search), I panic. I worry so much over it. And anytime I'm stressed, my body takes the initiative to match my mental stress with reactions that make absolutely no sense. There was one time years ago my toes were completely numb for two months. The old stand by is horrible stomach cramps. But this time around, my body is doing something new. Chest pains and wheezing. What??? I mean, I really feel like a loser for this. And it's of course out of my control. Any time I've talked myself out of being stressed mentally, my body continues to rebel. Awesome. 

It shouldn't be this way. Seriously, nearly everyone works. It's what we do. Everyone has a job. Why does it have to be such a big deal? But I flip out. I do. Maybe it comes down to the fact that I don't feel like I have too much to my credit. I mean, I don't have a degree, really any college experience. I have other experience. I've been a full time nanny, salon receptionist, house cleaner, and have worked a couple of retail gigs. And despite working in those different areas for a few years each, and having experience with the exact type of people I'd like to avoid, I feel totally unprepared to step back into it all. 

The truth is, people can be rather rotten. And though I know how to be friendly, I'm finding out more and more than I'm actually more of an introvert. I have a very select few people I'm ok with being around at almost any time. But otherwise, I really like to be by myself. I'll say it again. I KNOW how to be friendly, and social. And it's easy to do it with people who reciprocate. I just hate running into the people who set you up for failure by being THAT person who, despite your best efforts can NOT make them happy. I really know how to let those people drain me of any possible hope to have a better day from then on out. 

Do I sound completely pitiful yet?

So I can't sleep for thinking... What AM I doing to do? I've been lying here thinking of my qualities, while also thinking of the things I really DON'T want to do. I'm good at customer service, have organizational skills, integrity, am committed to doing a job honestly and right... I like to decorate... I don't like... To get yelled at, deal with snooty women, senile seniors, or intimidating men. Which you know, is pretty unavoidable. I have next to no necessary kind of computer experience. I refuse to push anything on people. Especially things they don't need. 

I've never wanted to BE anything... Except the wife of my husband. Only dream I ever had, and am happily living it. So you see why this puts me in a bind. I know most argue that a job isn't something to enjoy. But I would really like to find one I could enjoy... So if you toss those details about myself together, what do you get? Because I've got nothing... I mean, nothing. And what's more depressing is that I'm sending this question out there, and I'm highly unlikely to get any replies. 

But if any of you out there know of a position for someone to be given different areas, rooms or displays to organize and decorate, I'm your woman. I don't have any credentials to back me up on that, but I'd be more than happy to be tested and given a chance to show what I can do. 

Have a lovely night...

real cooking.

So due to the fact that I'm not working and have all the time in the world... I've been spending a great deal of it cooking. I always thought I'd enjoy cooking. You know, real cooking. But I never felt like doing all the prep work required after working all day. I would buy a good bit of fresh ingredients that would end up expiring in the fridge before I ever had the chance to use them, because Johnny and I would be so tired, we'd fall back on the "quick" meals I'd reluctantly keep stocked in the pantry for those nights we didn't feel like making a huge effort. But as a kid, when my mum would take me to the library, I was always taking home at least one book on cooking for kids. They're always really easy with very few ingredients. In fact, they rarely use cooking at all. They typically give out recipes of things you can throw together and serve just so. All that aside, at best I tried one recipe per book I borrowed. You can look on my kitchen counter even now, and I have a huge stack of cookbooks. But I never used them because when I read how many ingredients there were, how long it took to prepare, and especially after all of that how long it took for it all to cook, I'd put the book down and resort to a grilled cheese.

I can't believe I've spent years thinking that pouring a can of sauce over boiled noodles was real cooking. I'm being completely honest. I feel bad for my husband. My cooking, has not been cooking. I blame it partially on my serious aversion to touching raw meat. So, I hardly bought it. (Except for bacon. I've always been willing to touch bacon.) My years of lacking in practice with cooking meat has made all the dishes I've attempted come out rather poorly. This only discouraged me from practicing more. I think the biggest problem is I haven't really known how to handle it. Little random things that are common sense to every day meat cookers, were completely unknown to me.

I'm happy to say, I've taken these meat cooking informational tidbits to our advantage, and I've been having a lot more fun in the kitchen! I've been buying all of those fresh ingredients and using them!! And... I've been touching a lot of raw meat, and it's totally paid off. I've been really proud of the things I've been cooking, and I actually enjoy the lengthy prep time. I love using fresh herbs, fresh vegetables, and being able to smell each individual one as you prepare it. And even once it's all together, you can still pick out all the flavors. It's completely rewarding... Not to mention the fact that the sodium intake I was used to from all of those extra processed food items has caused me to retain unnatural amounts of water. So by losing just the water weight, my clothes fit comfortably, my rings aren't hard to take off...

Not only that, I feel so much better. I've not been having all of the headaches and sensitive stomach issues I've been used to. If I would have known that it would essentially help me as much as it has, I would have made the effort a long time ago. I've been making an extra serving with each meal I prepare so that Johnny can take the leftovers to work, and gets to enjoy a home cooked meal rather than some packaged product that makes you feel like crap a whole hour after you eat and then hungry after that for the rest of the day.

Maybe I'll start posting pictures and recipes every now and then? Maybe not, I don't know. But I really have been enjoying it. I love cooking as much as I always thought I would, I just had to get into it. So I encourage you to do that same. Make the effort, cook with fresh veggies and meat. I assure you, you'll really love it!

And one last thing... If you're really trying to stay healthy, I totally recommend what I've been practicing when it comes to sweets. I don't keep them in the house. However, I do keep some basic staple ingredients around that if it so happens that Johnny or I get a sweet tooth, I can produce something sweet. But it requires a lot of effort and waiting. So sometimes, we give up the craving  for the sake of what's required to satisfy it. But for instances like tonight when I decided to make the effort, I took out a couple of graham crackers, a pear, sour cream, a little bit of butter and some brown sugar. I made a thin graham cracker crust in the bottom of two small bowls, caramelized the chopped pear with the butter and brown sugar and poured them over the crusts. I topped the pear with a spoonful of sour cream, and it was delicious. This is not a recipe I read somewhere. I just experimented with what I happened to have on hand, and I didn't make a whole pie of it either... I made two servings! With my exercised restraint, the other serving will stay in the fridge for Johnny.

Sweet tooth, cured. Goodnight. :)

overdue update.

Seeing as how I have four whole followers, I think I owe it to you all to be more faithful with my blogging...

...just kidding. I mean, I do plan on being more faithful, but if I'm being honest, this is more of an outlet for my thoughts whether someone reads them or not. In truth, there are some thoughts I know I'll really want some to read... and then there will be days (more like middle of the nights) when I'll write things out of my head just so I can sleep, and those will probably be the things I'm not jumping up and down for people to read. I think it's good for me to get it out anyway. I'm already not very good at talking about how I feel, definitely not in person... This is a good alternative to give me practice.

First update: I'm officially unemployed! By choice. I quit work at my husband's request to travel around with him while he works. He's really good at his job, and I'm so proud of him for being the honest and hard worker that he is. Not every wife can say that of her husband, and I'm very happy to have that privilege. It takes him out of town though quite often and for long periods of time, and we just weren't too keen on the separation soooo... I'll be going with him every time he leaves! I think this is an enormous blessing, and I'm so very thankful to follow him where ever he goes.

Second update: We have a child. And she's adorable. She's extra long, covered in brown fur, has deceiving brown eyes and sometimes responds to the name of "Izzy". She's a mini-dachshund, and my newest excuse for why I never need real children. I love her more than I ever thought I could love an animal. I'll go ahead and insert here, that thought I can hardly believe it, Johnny and I have become "those" people. Those dog people. The kind I used to make fun of. Well, now I'm there. We've joined that club. You can expect to see pictures of her in the future. And you're welcome.

Third update: As happens just about every year, there are about to be some big changes for us. I can't say just yet (no, I'm not pregnant, not even close, maybe not ever) but, IT is sort of a dream of ours, and I'm believing that it's not only possible, but that it's going to happen. I'm asking you to pray and believe with me. As soon as we have something set in stone (or pretty darn close) I'll update again with a little more information. I'm just really excited!

Fourth update: I cut my hair. Short. And it's blonde. Long, brown hippie hair is gone again. Normally I have withdrawals at this point, but I've been saying good riddance since day one because this Texas heat comes early and my hair added a few degrees on it's own.

A shallow update, I know... So on to slightly more interesting blogging!

My sweet mother in law invited us to go see JJ Heller with her tonight. I love JJ Heller. Her music makes me happy, and I found out tonight that her music LIVE, makes me want to cry. Seriously! I struggled against tears the whole time! Buh... She also makes me want to sing. Civil Wars (who I was only recently introduced to and do so highly recommend to you) and JJ Heller both have the same effect on me, in that they make me want to sing again... Not on stage, not really even in front of anyone, I just want to sit down with someone who can play the guitar a LOT better than I can (I can...hardly play...) and sing with them. I love hearing two voices blend together in a way that sound like they were born to, and I've always wanted to do that with someone.

I've been thinking too, that maybe I'd love to be in a musical, or some sort of drama. Not you know, Big Town musical/drama, because I have nothing on paper to show for to credit me any position. No experience to even place me as a TREE. But I was thinking... small(er) town musical/drama. It may not even exist. And even if it does, I have enough OCD that a small town musical might drive me crazy rather than be something I enjoyed. I'm going to look into it. There may be nothing that comes out of it, but it's something I've always wanted to do. Mind you, I'm not looking to make a career of it, and that alone may render me a waste of time in the minds of those in the theater. We'll see what information I can come up with.

And since this post has taken on a musical theme... Let me just say... I'm very new to the "apple" world. And the most exciting thing for me? ITUNES!!! I know I'm years behind with this. I didn't know what I was missing. And now I've found a new addiction. It's so wonderful. So horrible... Every song, it's $1.29 or less typically, right?! But before I know it... I've spent roughly $36 in a week on itunes! And it's not that it's a huge sum of money... It's just so... dangerous. I think I'm not spending very much. With a song or two here and there a day. Then the bill comes.
"Lish... exactly how many songs have you purchased?"
"Uh... not... a lot..."
"Let me see your phone."
"..............I don't have a problem."
And there it is. The "you're in trouble" face. Followed by my facial attempt of "I'm cute, please don't ban me from itunes". But, I did learn a valuable lesson. Two bucks may not seem like much. But two bucks spent several times adds up. Quick. So I'll be a little more careful from now on. To the best of my ability. Most days.

Goodnight. :)